It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
