Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I am available for nakedness
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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