we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
