It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
