there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
