I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
