the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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