well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
