Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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