textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
she peed on how many people?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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