Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
