matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
