I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
