After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I am one with the molecules
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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