I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
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