whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
