My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
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