all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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