Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
