Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
