please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
