my shit smells like andre
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
