ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
