As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
