So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
