I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
