I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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