NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
