You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
