I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
