It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
