So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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