like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
