my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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