so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
