I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
