I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
