You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
