OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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