I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
