How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
