Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
