So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
