you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
