So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
