Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
