tell your sister to shave her snatch
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
