Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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