if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
