Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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