This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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