took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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